Heroics Be Damned
by kaybee613
Summary: Medieval/Fantasystuck AU The kids go on an adventure from Prospit to Derse, meeting loads of strange and new friends along the way, from a pirate to a satyr to a fairy. But when they get to Derse and find a new queen on the throne, will they be able to stop her attempts at war? Or is Prospit as good as gone? T for language.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

There once was an ordinary world in which there was an ordinary land with an ordinary kingdom that had an ordinary name. Sitting on the throne of Prospit was a queen. That queen had every type of servant that you would expect, all working to make sure the castle ran properly, but the most notable was Dave Strider, the stable boy. And the series of events that would follow the ordinary day that he started with, would be anything BUT ordinary.

It all began as anything does; on a day like any other. Dave made his way to the stables, passing by his brother's blacksmith shop on the way to the castle as he usually did, the bright sun reflecting off the sharp metal of Dirk's newest sword. Dave merely continued on his path, stopping for no one. That is, until he saw John playing tricks on the villagers again. Most people would call John Egbert's sleight-of-hand a con or a dirty trick. John preferred to call them pranks, though people did gamble, and he did take their money.

"Find the pebble under the bowl!" Egbert proclaimed, an excited crowd gathering around. "Come on, only two silver pieces to play!" Dave chuckled to himself as he watched his friend stumping people on the street. There was always a pattern; Egbert always did the same thing. Nobody ever stuck around long enough to catch on. Right, left, center, left, right, center. Dave stepped up to the table, John grinning a buck-toothed grin at him. "Hey, Dave, care to try your luck?"

"Care to bet on it?"

"Like I said, two silver pieces to play!" Enthusiasm shone in John's blue eyes.

Dave smirked. "What if I bet you 10 silver pieces?"

John's face dropped in surprise, yet somehow his lips were still pulled upward into a toothy smile. "You willing to take that chance, Strider?"

"I think I'll manage," Dave's smirk didn't move as he tossed a bag of silver pieces on John's table. John simply shrugged, lifting one of the bowls.

"See the pebble?" Dave nodded, still entirely sure of himself. His eyes watched, moving carefully behind his shades as the bowls rotated rapidly around each other underneath John's nimble hands. They began to come to a stop, slowly sliding into a final position. John crossed his arms smugly, looking at Dave. "Well, take a guess, coolkid."

Dave barely faltered as he pointed at the center bowl. "It's there," he said coolly. John moved the bowl away from the table, revealing that there was, in fact, no pebble underneath it.

"Sorry, Dave, guess you're out 10 silver pieces!" John laughed. Dave scoffed under his breath and continued his walk to the stables, planning on getting an explanation on Egbert's bullshit later. Rose was also in town, telling one of her stories to the local kids. She never meant to scare them with tales of the fantastically impossible fauna, but it always seemed to happen. The two blondes exchanged a passing wave as Dave made his way into the royal stables.

As boring as it was, Dave didn't hate his job. It put him under royal protection, gave him somewhere to live, and he also managed to make a smidgen more silver than the average peasant. Of course, that was when Egbert wasn't swindling him out of it. As the queen's stable boy, he also got to spend a fair amount of time in the castle, or out riding. Dave wasn't confined to the village shacks like most of his friends.

Strider strolled into the stables, looking at the horse. There was usually more than just Maplehoof around, but he just shrugged it off and picked up the brush for the mare's mane. "Alright Maplehoof, come 'ere." Dave calmly went about grooming the horse. Things would be easy today since all the other horses were out. The stable boy went about feeding Maplehoof as he would usually, when a sharp voice hit his ears.

"Hey there, Strider."

"What the hell was that." Maplehoof whinnied next to him. "And how do you know my name?"

A shrill cackle echoed in the stable. "I know lots of things. You see, I'm always around these villages. I learn the people." Dave's eyes darted around the stable, searching frantically for the source of the voice. A loud purring came as two red orbs lit up in the dark. Dave moved towards the noise.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

"You can call me Redglare, Strider."

Dave finally saw the source of the voice- a black cat. Her teeth were nearly daggers and she grinned as much as a cat could underneath her staring red eyes. The boy was speechless for a moment, completely stunned. "What the fuck, that's…that's a talking cat."

"Very observant, coolkid. Anyway," Redglare purred, "I came with a warning. You see, I came from the other kingdom. Our queen…she's planning to declare a war here. I know the Prospitians don't stand a chance, so if the White Queen wants to send over some messengers…"

Maplehoof whinnied behind Dave, the cat increasing both of their nerves. "Wait, how can you be real?"

"Don't you trust me, Dave? I am indeed very real. You can see me," she purred, "you can hear me," the strange cat drew closer to Dave, his shaking hand brushing against its fur, "and you can feel me. Now shouldn't you be warning someone about the oncoming war?" Her sharp teeth flashed again. Maplehoof whinnied once more and Dave faltered, taking a step back. The same sharp cackle sounded through the barn and the stable boy was sent off running, not looking back once. He darted straight to the castle, looking for the queen. There was little chance the warning had been real, he told himself, that it had all just been a hallucination. But on the off chance it wasn't, Prospit needed to be prepared.

However, as was common with Dave's luck, the queen was nowhere to be found. The castle was empty, sparing the royal cook, a friend of Dave's brother.

"Yo Crocker, where's the queen?"

"Uh, she's out at the moment," the somewhat chubby girl answered. She had a bowl tucked under one arm and a stirring spoon in the other hand, fumbling as her light blue glasses slid down her nose a bit. "Why, what's the problem?"

"Uh, nothing, I'm just a bit shaken up. There was this…freaky-ass cat thing in the stable, and she said something about Derse declaring war on us. I probably was just…imagining it, but, uh, can't be to fucking careful, can you?"

"Well, I…I suppose not. Dave, are you sure you're alright? Maybe you should go lay down. Is Dirk at home?"

"Uh, no, he's still smithing but…yeah…I guess you're right, Janey. I'll go lay down. Clear my head. Fuckin' nonsense."

Dave turned and left the castle again, ignoring the fact that he hadn't finished his job for the day. Jane continued stirring her batter as she returned to the kitchen.

"Striders…they're all crazy I guess; heh," the girl muttered to herself. She wasn't much older than Dave; only by a few years, but her prowess in the kitchen had led her to getting a position in the castle for basically her entire life. "Still, shucks buster, got a lot to do for the feast tomorrow…war, pfft. Hmm, I really shouldn't speak to myself…but there's no one around most of the time. Anyway. Now…where is the ale? They surely can't have forgotten to-"

"He—hey Jane…" a familiar voice slurred, interrupted by a hiccup, "guess whop's here?"

Jane sighed audibly. "Roxy…you haven't been drinking the ale for the feast, have you?"

"Of courpse not, silly!"

"Just…ugh, just help me bring the barrels in."

The two girls went around the back kitchen door and began rolling barrels of alcohol in. "You know this is a huge party for all the royalty around, right? I can't believe you would cut it this close with the delivery."

"Aaaaallllll the royalty, you say? Even the Dersites?"

"Roxy Lalonde, surely you can see out of that drunken haze often enough to recognize that _of course_ the Dersites are not invited; we're always at odds with them," Jane said, turning her barrel onto its bottom; leaving it standing.

Roxy rolled hers up next to Jane's as the queen walked by, unbeknownst to either of the teens.

"Yeah, but you said all."

"Well, I doubt the queen would invite the Dersites anyway. Dave came in here earlier saying something about-" the young girl turned to fetch another ale barrel and saw the Prospitian queen standing in the archeway. The royalty never said much, but she indicated for Jane to continue. "Uhm, Dave was saying that some creature warned him of a war declaration," Jane said, facing the queen. The royal's eyes widened, and her pace was suddenly doublefold as she continued the way she was walking.

"Woha, wahat the hell was that aboot?"

"Good question. Come on; help me get the rest of the barrels."

"Dude, Janey, come onnnnn, I gotta get back to the pub."

"Shoosh, you drunky! You only work there to pay off your tab. There's only, like 4 barrels left."

"I geft room and board too!" Roxy groaned, turning into the back to get another barrel.

"You want me to do what now?" The queen pointedly handed the scout and messenger the note once more. "This is for the young Strider, you say? Gadzooks, I do say this sounds serious. Jesus Christopher Kringlefucker! Derse and Prospit at war? I'll fetch Dave on the double!"

Jake English, the queen's personal messenger, was sent off into the village once more to find his friend's brother. The village was loud, and busy, as usual, but Jake found his way through expertly. He said hello to the baker and the bookkeeper, but the only person that was noteworthy was the blacksmith, Dirk Strider. Jake walked slowly into the smithing workshop, his heart pounding. At least he had an excuse; he had to ask Dirk if he'd seen Dave. The boy adjusted his rectangular glasses, clearing his throat as he walked through the door.

"Hey, Dirk…what're you, uh, working on there?"

"New katana," the older Strider said, not even bothering to look up. "You need something?"

"Uh, well, actually-" English cleared his throat again. "Ahem, I was looking for Dave. There's a message for him from the queen."

Dirk set his tool down, looking startledly up at Jake. "A letter from the queen? Mind if I-" Dirk tore the letter from Jake's hand as he shook his head no, peering at it with a lift of his triangular shades. "Man, this looks pretty fuckin' serious."

"Yes, it is, so, uhm, have you seen Dave?"

"Of course I have, dude, he's upstairs. Hey bro! You got a letter here. It looks serious."

Jake had hardly blinked before Dave came racing down the stairs. "A letter?"

"A summons," Jake piped in.

"Oh, fuck, Jake, dude, I didn't even see you there," Dave said, the hint of a smile appearing. Dirk stifled a laugh as Jake's face flushed red, his eyes grumpily setting a downward gaze. Dave quickly scanned the letter, remembering Redglare, and wondering why the queen would want to see him. "Damn. Looks like I gotta go to the castle." Dave headed for the door, pausing to look back at the messenger. "Jake, man, you coming?"

"Hmm?" Jake's green eyes darted back up. "Oh, uh, yes, I'll be there in a jiffy. Why don't you just head over yourself? It's urgent, and I have a few other things to deliver."

"Suit yourself, man."

Dave took off back towards the castle, note in hand, leaving Jake and Dirk behind in the blacksmith's shop without even a second thought. Jake shuffled his foot. "So, uhm…swords." Dirk looked blankly at him.

Dave moved briskly back towards the castle, pausing only when he was stopped by John. "Hey Dave, what's the rush? Thought you were already up at the castle today."

"Yeah well…dude, it's kind of a long story and I need to—wait. Before I go, I want an explanation."

"Of what?"

"Your game. I've learned your patterns by now, Egbert, and I should have won. How the hell'd you swing that?"

John giggled. "Oh, that! Well Dave, you should know that a magician never reveals his secrets."

"You're not a magician, you're a prankster."

John's expression broke into an offended stare. "Well, if you really wanna know, fine. I'll just ruin it for you forever." John's attempted seriousness couldn't phase through Dave's stern expression and the "magician" cracked a bucktoothed smile. "I pulled the pebble back up my sleeve," John said with a chuckle. A peeved expression took over Dave's face.

"You little shit! You're a con man!" Dave spoke up, irritated but still joking with his friend.

"No I'm not! A kid's gotta eat…"

"I'm fucking with you, Egbert. Still, that's a load of bull and you owe me ten silver pieces."

"I thought you were in a rush to get somewhere?"

"Yeah, I gotta go see the queen."

"Oh, that sounds serious. I'll be hanging out here for a while; you should come back down and tell me all about it after."

Dave gave John a nod. They were best friends, after all.

John sat on the grassy hill for a while, wondering why the queen would need Dave. "Were you waiting for Dave, because that boy is an enigma and I doubt you will be receiving full details. I saw him go into the castle a while ago." John looked up at the source of the voice. It was another friend of his, Rose Lalonde. She had a tendency to tell tales of the mythological creatures of the forest to village kids, with the intention to entertain. But more often than not, it was simply frightening.

"He said he had to talk to the queen."

"Hmm, then I'm sure it was very important. But you and I should both be getting back to our respective homes."

"Hey Rose?"

"Hmm?"

"Is it ever weird for you, living in the pub?"

"Not really; Roxy does all the work to pay for room and board for both of us _and_ pay off her tab…despite its constant growth."

"No, I meant…always being around drunk men."

"I could whip an ogre with an oedipal harness and ride it down a river; sleazy drunks are not a problem."

"Damn, Lalonde, you've got some fight in you," Dave's voice came from higher up on the hill. "Can't say I expected that one."

Rose turned and John leapt onto his feet. "Dave! What did the Queen want?"

Dave sighed, running a hand through his hair and down the back of his neck. "I'm…going to Derse."

Dave told his two friends about the situation in the stable with "Redglare"; that the queen had somehow heard about it, and that she had decided that he was the one who needed to go and tell the other queen to stop the war. "So I gotta go gather some equipment, I guess."

"I hear it's a long trip," Rose said, "Are you sure you can make it on your own, cool guy?"

Dave shrugged. "Eh, I'll be fine."

John focused on his own feet for a moment before looking up. "Well…what if Rose and I went with you?"

"What?" Dave answered, taken aback. Rose also was taken aback for a moment, and then she simply nodded.

"We won't slow you down, Dave!" John said eagerly, desperate not to let his best friend leave on his own. Dave hesitated for a minute, then sighed.

"All right. We leave in the morning."

**A/N: Woo got this started already! Don't worry, the trolls will all make appearances. It is a long journey to Derse.**

**I don't really have much to say about this other than Homestuck and all characters belong to Andrew Hussie and MSPAdventures**


	2. Chapter 2

John, Rose, and Dave stood at the edge of the village after spending the morning gathering food and materials. Dirk had even given his brother a new sword, which was now sheathed and attached to Dave's belt. Dave turned to his two friends.

"You ready?" he asked. John nodded.

"We won't be out of Prospitian borders for a while," Rose noted. "Is the sword really necessary?"

"Who knows what will be out there? You can never be too careful, Rose."

"Well, I suppose that's true."

"Hey," John started, "do you think that's why they're coming?" He pointed back towards the village, Rose and Dave turning to look as well. Four more people were heading for the border where the kids now stood.

Dave squinted. "Is that...?"

"It looks like Jane and Jake and Dirk and Roxy," John said, smiling a bit. Rose didn't have much to say, pursing her lips at the mention of her sister.

"Hello, chaps!" Jake said, strolling up to the kids with a beaming smile.

"We brought food!"  
"And booze!" Jane and Roxy added respectively, their voices almost overlapping.

"Great," Rose murmured, rolling her eyes.

"Bro, you're not coming with us. I already got John and Rose with me, and 7 people is just way too many," Dave threw at Dirk, who merely took his younger brother around the shoulder.

"Well that's tough luck, because we ain't leaving," Dirk said, drawling his words a bit.

"You wouldn't expect me to miss a golly good adventure, would you?" Jake piped up.

"English has got a point," Dirk turned back to Dave.

"I don't see why they can't come too," John said.

"It would certainly provide some...bonding time between us and our siblings...or cousin, rather, in John and Jane's case, and their friends."

"Yeahhhh, bonding wif Roseyyyy," Roxy slurred, leaning onto her sister.

"What, man, no-" Dave started. "Seriously, like, the queen sent _me_ on a mission, and now I got all you guys...I just..." he looked out at the small assembly. They'd taken the time to gather food and weapons as well, and he knew they were only so insistent on accompanying him so he wouldn't have to be alone for days on end, and on the dangerous path to Derse, no less. "All right, fine, let's just fucking go."

There were a couple excited giggles, and John and Jake gave small shouts of "all right!" and "that's top!" respectively, which was followed by a murmur of "...huge fuckin' dork" from Dirk. The seven kids picked up their canvas bags and rucksacks of equipment and began walking, leaving Prospit behind, entering the forest that lay between the kingdom's village and its border. The rough dirt trail slowly faded, overcome by grasses and trestles. Rose pondered her memory for stories of what may lurk in the trees.

"You know," the younger Lalonde started, "they say there are _strange things_ in the forest."

"Are you talking about those fairy tales you tell in the village that scare the kids away?" John asked. Jane blinked, looking towards Rose, curious about her friend's sister.

"I don't try to scare them..." Rose answered, blushing a little.

"Yeah, well, even so, they should know better," Dave added. "Not as if any of that stuff is real- goblins and shit."

"Yes they are!"

"AH!"

Dave fell backward, landing ass-first on the grass. He blinked, looking up at the person who had startled him. It was a young, dark-haired girl with eyes a brighter green than the forest around them; eyes behind large, round glasses and accompanied by a bucktoothed smile similar to Jake's. She was hanging from a tree branch, which explained her sudden nose-to-nose appearance with Dave.

Dave stood up, brushing the dust off his pants. The girl pushed off from the branch with her arms and swung herself in a vertical 180°, landing with both feet on the ground, and then turned to face Dave again.

"Those things _are_ real! I see them _all_ the time," she said. Her attention was mostly on Dave, leaving the others to vacantly and awkwardly watch the exchange between the stable boy and the tree girl.

"What, do you live out here or something?" Dave asked, starting to walk along the slowly fading trail again.

"Yeah, I do!" She skipped a couple steps to walk alongside him, leaving the rest of the group behind.

"…do you think we should follow him?" Jane whispered, directing the question to John. John shrugged.

"That _is_ the way we're supposed to be going," Rose said. Jake was the first to move forward with a "Tally ho!"

They followed a few steps behind Dave and the new girl, but they didn't seem to be talking anymore. An unsettling silence fell around the group of, now, 8. Dave made a grimacing face back at his friends, a face that screamed 'help me; say something'. Jane decided to take the initiative and walked forward, wedging herself between the two.

"So, uh-" she'd wanted to use a name before realizing the girl hadn't given hers yet. "Eheh, you said you live in the forest?"

"Yeah!"

"If you don't mind me asking, why's that?"

"Oh…" her smile diminished a bit. "Well, you see, I used to live in Prospit, like you guys, with my Grandpa and our dog, Becquerel. But then, Grandpa died and I was accused of witchcraft, so Bec and I left the village and ran out here before anything really bad could happen, like the villagers killing me or something. Bec used to go, like, hunt food and steal clothes when he could and when I was growing and stuff, but he hasn't come back in a while. I hope he's ok!"

"Wow, that sounds like a really smart dog!" John said.

"He is!"

"Bu…why did they tink you was a witch?" Roxy asked, punctuated by Rose's sigh.

The girl gave a coy smile. "I can predict the future."

Everyone gasped except for the Strider brothers.

"Gadzooks, that's amazing!"

"Just one more question," Jane said, "Er…what's your name?"

"Oh! I'm Jade. Jade Harley."

The rest of the kids introduced themselves to Jade formally. She turned to Dave last, who muttered, "M'name's Dave."

"It's nice to meet you guys!" Jade said.

It was apparent by some observation that Jade was a forest child. Her hair was unkempt, somewhat tangled and matted, and there were patches of dirt and tears on her clothes. The only thing that seemed entirely clean were her glasses, and that was presumably because they were constantly in her direct line of vision. And despite living in the forest for many years, she'd managed to accrue several gold bracelets, beaded necklaces, and things that plain didn't look like they fit with her torn, dirtied clothes and skin. John suspected thievery but refrained from saying anything lest Dave bring up his own conning.

The 8 kids walked along the path, hearing only the sounds of nature and their own footsteps. Since Jade joined them, conversation had faded, though the silence was not a heavy one. They continued walking until the late afternoon, when the sun had begun to descend but it still hung bright enough in the sky. Their quiet was interrupted by a growl. Everyone turned behind them, toward Jake, who had been walking in the back.

"Sorry, it's just my tummy," he said, giving a weak laugh.

"Are you hungry?" Jane asked.

"I think we all are," Dave added. "Maybe we should just stop early tonight and have a bite; set up camp…"

So they did. They stopped, setting all their bags and packs down and sat in the tall grass. The forest opened up a bit into a field, so a few laid in the shade beneath the trees and others were strewn in the grass, lying in the sun. Jane gave out bread and muffins she'd made and packed, though it didn't do much to satiate Jake's appetite, or anyone else's. But with 8 of them, rations were tight. So nobody complained. Rose, John, and Dave sat under a tree and Jade talked to them from a perch in its branches. Jane and Roxy sat together nearby, and Jake was taking a nap, using Dirk's tummy as a pillow. They still hadn't left Prospit's borders, and things were peaceful.

Until they heard a staggered galloping from further up in the field. Jake noticed first, blinking awake and sitting up. Jade swung down from the tree, her eyes squinting as if she were trying to recognize the sound. Only a moment had passed before its source appeared. A fuzzy brown head came bobbing into their sighs, followed by the person's torso, and then his furry goat legs. Jade's eyes widened when she saw the limping satyr.

"Tavros!" she called, running towards him. She allowed the creature to use her as support, propping him up on her shoulders to help carry him towards the rest of the kids. John gasped a bit as Jade walked the satyr over.

"I _told_ you things like this are real!" she said emphatically, looking directly at Dave, who looked more shocked at the satyr's appearance than anyone. Jade laid Tavros down gently against the tree. Everyone gathered around him, curiosity growing.

He was taller than Dirk, the tallest of the kids, just barely. It was apparent even while he was sitting, and perhaps it was just his goat legs that added some extra height, but while standing he would tower over Jane and Rose. His ears were long and flat with rounded tips, and they were up and alert, listening for any threats. His torso was mostly humanoid, with a few tufts of fur around his cheeks, ears, and neck, and his hair was cleanly cut into a short Mohawk, which looked more than a little displaced above his wide eyes and muzzle-like nose.

Jade sat down next to him. She was the only one who had any idea what to do about a satyr with a wounded leg, something that stemmed from her being the only one to _know _a satyr.

"Tavros, what happened?" Jade asked. It was clear they were familiars.

"It…was Vriska," he stammered. His voice wavered and sounded hesitant. Even Jade looked confused by this short explanation.

"Who's Vriska?"

"The…pirate queen captain? She likes to go by Mindfang."

"Now Mindfang I've heard of," Dirk said. "She sails the sea, destroying other ships and plundering them of gold. And when she docks somewhere, she raids the town and takes over. Dunno why she'd get near Prospit, though. We're nothing special and don't have any money to steal."

"She's ruthless, from what I hear," Dave added. "We gotta get her out of here."

Rose was more intrigued that the stories she'd told and the creatures she'd spoken of back home turned out to be real and true. She was investigating Tavros's furry bottom, reaching down to pet his tail. The fur on it was stiff and prickly. It flicked away from her.

"Please don't touch my tail."

"Sorry."

Eventually, the boys decided they would confront Mindfang, not only to defend Tavros, but also to protect Prospit in case she intended on making her way into their home village. Jade and Rose made loud protests at this plan, insisting that just because they were girls, that didn't mean they needed to stay behind, while Dirk insisted at least Jane and Roxy stay to fix up Tavros's leg a bit. They agreed, starting to retrieve bandages for the goat child. John and Dave and Jake and Dirk and Jade and Rose set off in the direction Tavros had come running from, unsure if they were really ready to face a self-proclaimed "pirate queen".


End file.
